"Listen weeds, I spent 8 hours with you today and only covered about 75 sq feet. A girl gets a lot of thinking done while scooting around for that long. I've been silent long enough.
A poor attempt at grass you are here-
Okay, now I realize that a weed is "just a plant out of place", or "a plant in an undesirable location", or any of the other technical descriptions you can dream up, but hey - read between the lines, why don't you? You are unwanted!
Just look at yourselves, I mean, really?
Weed, don't even try to feed me any of your "you can make wine and salad from me" B.S. - if I am going to let someone get me drunk, newsflash, it ain't gonna be you, so go, neither the time nor the inclination...
Oh yay, here's you doing your impersonation of a snuggli for my birdbath...
Here's you again, impersonating a wanted plant... take this Sheen-ism, "not winning"...
See that space I call a lawn out there? That's your space, I don't care what you do out there...
What's that, weed? You ask why the below plant infiltrating my perennials was spared? Oh, look, it's parsley - that's why you dumb weed, "winning"!
Oh, look at what you were suffocating here... a beautiful creeping plant of mine - take note, a plant with an even growth rate, note the absence of scrubby highs and lows...
I can't even compost you, since you don't have enough restraint to stop producing seed for even a week
I'm giving you permission to take a vacation! Go ahead, go somewhere nice, Switzerland, maybe? Get some work done on yourself while you're there, I hear they do great things. Who knows? If you show up next year Hollywood-ready, I may be able to help you out."
Are you home along tonight?
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Glad you told those weeds where to go!
You tell 'em, girl! You can come yell at my weeds next, if you'd like. They appear to be still dormant, but I think they're actually plotting a coup against me.
ReplyDeleteOh, dear. It's so early in the season for our beloved Queen of Gardening to have gone over the edge. We must rally together, shower her with our love and support to pull her out of this spell of thinking she can talk some sense into the weeds. Either that or we should all pack our gardening clothes and head for Virginia Beach immediately to eradicate her garden of weeds for her.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Clever, clever post!
Funny. What an fun way to vent. Weeds usually seem pretty easy to handle this early, but I guess not this time. Too much carbon dioxide.
ReplyDeletenellie
Awww poor weeds didn't stand a chance. I don't mind the weeds as long as they are pretty it's the cat poo I don't like.
ReplyDeleteHaha, I talk to weeds too. However, I'm usually cursing at them.
ReplyDeleteWeeds are not worthy of our trust. They'll try and tell you all kinds of stuff...just to win your trust. Erin-keep up the good work---WE MUST DEFEAT!!!
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LOL-I would so LOVE to see you weeding-I'm pretty sure we'd hear some funny stuff!
(now don't send them to me for vacation!!!!!!!!)
This is why the rich have a gardener. Wouldn't that be nice :)
ReplyDeleteI'm nothing without my occasional rants :) And APG, I WAS home alone, but not drinking a bottle of wine when I wrote this LOL
ReplyDeleteJane, can you imagine? Just grabbing a book or basket of knitting and "retiring" to the hammock with a mint julep to sip on and watch the gardener do everything?! Somehow I think our little group couldn't handle it, you know it would work for about 5 minutes and then we'd either want to be out there ourselves or telling the gardener how to do it "the right way" LOL
Just don't send them north! They are sneaky things, aren't they? Turn your back for two minutes and they're all over the place~! Now I don't feel so badly about talking to my dogs...
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